It's been a little less than a year since i have last posted in this; and quite the year it has been, I can't even go into it. It's been life changing, (like most years that pass by) but it's amazing just how much has changed.

I didn't really have much to say when I got back on, I guess I have been a member for 425 days which seems like quite the feat indeed.

I dunno, happy first of may. it is snowing like crazy still and this boulder town is just a beautiful snowglobe.

I dont know why. I am going to New York tommorow and I am drowning in inevitable sadness. I think it was last night that set me up, I had a fucking terrible breakdown in front of a thousand or more Persian strangers at a Persian New Years Celebration.

I dont know whats wrong. I feel disconneted, I feel like I cant see Dad without turning around in Shame. I feel like the plane trip will never end. Like I will never actually make it to New York this time. Here is some shit I wrote in the middle of my breakdown.. when I couldnt talk.:

"There is nothing I am blind I cant see there in nothing tap tap tap tap tap clang bash I'm not sad nothings wrong nothings wrong and I am just floating and dying and I dont think I'll be here tommorow. I dont know why but something is going to happen and I have no clue what or why I dont feel anything tonight because nothing exists and nothign is here and I am sorry I dont know what it is.

WE'RE ALL JUST TOYS IN A FUCKIGN TOY BOX

The ceiling is reflecting something through the gaping holes I dont know your daughter is insane and lack of innocence fucked up mind control. I cant see anything away not and ROSES and tulips and I am going CRAZY with damn this NOISE NOISE NOISE I need a wall to fall into and never come back cant be here and I am not. Am I dead? Or is there nothing to hide how and when this HERE IM I5."

No Clue. Why.

Signing off. Love.